There’s a trap hiding in plain sight—one so common you probably fell into it several times today. It’s not “no” or “can’t” or “won’t.” Those words are obvious obstacles you can spot and challenge. This trap is sneakier. It’s just two letters long, and it quietly rewires how you see yourself and everyone around you.

The word? Is.

The Hidden Trap in Everyday Language

Think of your mind like a camera. When you say someone “is” something—”She is difficult” or “He is lazy”—it’s like putting a permanent filter over the lens. That filter affects every future photo you take of that person. You stop seeing what’s actually there and only see what matches your label.

Here’s what really happens:

“He is troublesome” really means: Sometimes he does things that challenge you. But by calling him troublesome, you’ve decided that’s his core nature. Now you expect trouble from him, and guess what? You’re more likely to create it.

“She is petty” really means: She occasionally focuses on small details that bother you. But the label “petty” makes you notice every tiny thing she does through that lens—even when she’s being perfectly reasonable.

“They are argumentative” really means: They feel strongly about certain topics. But once you label them this way, you stop hearing their actual points and just wait for the next argument.

Why This Word Is So Dangerous

The word “is” performs a magic trick on your brain. It makes temporary situations seem permanent. It makes complex people seem simple. It makes you believe you’ve figured someone out when you’ve barely scratched the surface.

The worst part? You barely notice it happening. “Is” seems like just a connecting word—harmless grammar holding a sentence together. But it’s actually creating a mental prison, both for others and yourself.

The Self-Labeling Trap

When you label yourself, the problems multiply. Say you announce, “I am happy.” Sounds positive, right? But deep down, your mind knows you’re more complex than that. You contain joy and sadness, excitement and boredom, confidence and doubt—often all at once.

Your subconscious spots the lie immediately. You’re not exclusively happy—you’re a person experiencing happiness among many other emotions. That mismatch between the label and reality creates internal tension. You feel like a fraud.

Even positive labels backfire:

“I am strong” creates pressure to always be strong, leaving no room for vulnerability.

“I am a good person” sets up your mind to find evidence you’re not, creating guilt and self-doubt.

“I am successful” makes every setback feel like proof you’re a failure.

Think of it like trying to squeeze an ocean into a bottle. You are vast and complex—far too much to fit into any single label.

How Labels Hurt Your Relationships

When you label someone else, three things happen instantly:

1. You stop seeing them clearly. If you decide “Sarah is successful,” you might miss the years of struggle and specific strategies that led to her success. You won’t learn from her because you think success just naturally belongs to some people.
2. You start comparing yourself. Your brain automatically asks: “Am I as successful? More successful? Less successful?” The label creates competition where none needs to exist.
3. You limit your understanding. Real people are walking collections of habits, choices, experiences, and qualities. Labels hide all that richness behind a single word.

The Power of Specific Observation

Here’s the shift that changes everything: Stop labeling what people are. Start noticing what they do.

Instead of “She is successful,” notice: She wakes up early. She makes detailed plans. She follows through consistently. She handles setbacks without quitting. Now you have useful information you can actually learn from.

Instead of “He is happy,” observe: He exercises regularly. He maintains close friendships. He practices gratitude. He solves problems instead of dwelling on them. These are actions you can understand and potentially adopt.

Instead of “They are beautiful,” explore: What makes this specific person striking? Maybe it’s their confident posture, their genuine smile, their kind eyes, their unique style, or their peaceful presence. Now you’re discovering the many forms beauty takes instead of accepting one narrow definition.

Five Steps to Transform Your Self-Talk

Old affirmations often create resistance because they make claims your mind knows aren’t entirely true. Here’s how to create empowering statements that actually work:

Step 1: Notice when you use “I am” statements. Simply become aware of how often you label yourself.

Step 2: Identify the quality you want more of. What are you really seeking? Strength? Peace? Confidence?

Step 3: Reframe it as access, not identity. Instead of “I am strong,” try “I access the strength within me” or “I let strength flow through me.”

Step 4: Practice the new phrasing. Give yourself a week to experiment with this shift.

Step 5: Notice the difference. Pay attention to how the new phrasing feels—lighter, more open, less pressured.

Examples:

Old way: “I am happy”

New way: “I let happiness flow through me” or “I open myself to joy”

Old way: “I am confident”

New way: “I tap into my inner confidence” or “I trust my capabilities”

Old way: “I am peaceful”

New way: “I breathe in peace” or “I create space for calm”

Five Steps to Handle Difficult Interactions

When someone acts in ways you don’t like, labeling them creates a dead end. Here’s a better approach:

Step 1: Name the specific behavior, not the person. Someone isn’t “rude”—they said something rude. See the difference?

Step 2: Look for what’s underneath. Strong emotions usually mean strong feelings about something. What might they care deeply about?

Step 3: Find common ground. List three things you have in common with this person, even simple things.

Step 4: Reframe their behavior neutrally. “Argumentative” could become “passionate” or “engaged.” “Difficult” could become “particular” or “thorough.”

Step 5: Respond to the behavior, not the label. Address the specific words or actions rather than condemning the whole person.

Five Steps to Learning From Others

Instead of labeling people you admire, mine them for practical wisdom:

Step 1: Identify someone whose results you admire. Notice I said results, not who they “are.”

Step 2: Study their specific behaviors. What do they actually do? How do they spend their time? What choices do they make?

Step 3: Look for patterns. Which behaviors show up consistently? Which seem most connected to their results?

Step 4: Test one behavior yourself. Pick the easiest or most appealing one and experiment with it for a week.

Step 5: Adjust and continue. Notice what works for you and what doesn’t. Keep what serves you; drop what doesn’t.

Five Steps to Release Limiting Self-Beliefs

When you’ve been carrying negative labels about yourself, here’s how to let them go:

Step 1: Write down the limiting labels. “I am lazy,” “I am bad with money,” “I am socially awkward,” etc.

Step 2: Recognize they’re just patterns, not your nature. These are habits you picked up, not who you fundamentally are.

Step 3: Identify the opposite quality you want. What would you like instead? Energy? Financial wisdom? Social ease?

Step 4: Create a practice to develop it. Find one small action that moves you toward that quality. Do it daily for two weeks.

Step 5: Notice your expanding capacity. You’re not becoming a new person—you’re discovering capabilities that were always there.

Five Steps for Daily Awareness Practice

Make this a daily practice to gradually free yourself from limiting labels:

Step 1: Set a daily reminder. Choose a time when you’re typically reflective—morning coffee, lunch break, evening wind-down.

Step 2: Review your self-talk from the day. Notice when you said “I am” statements about yourself or others.

Step 3: Reframe three of them. Pick the most impactful ones and practice alternative phrasings.

Step 4: Catch yourself in real-time. As you get better, start noticing and adjusting these labels as they happen.

Step 5: Be patient with yourself. This is about awareness, not perfection. Simply noticing is progress.

Making This Stick in Real Life

You’re swimming in a sea of labels. Turn on any media and you’ll hear: “This celebrity is gorgeous. That politician is corrupt. This product will make you happy. That group is dangerous.” Everyone around you is still using these limiting words.

So how do you break free without becoming paranoid or preachy?

Think of it like noticing added sugar in food. Once you start reading ingredients, you see it everywhere. You don’t need to lecture everyone about it or feel anxious every time you encounter it. You just make better choices when you can.

Same with limiting language:

Notice it calmly. Don’t get angry at yourself or others for using “is” statements.

Practice alternatives quietly. You don’t need to correct everyone—just adjust your own thinking.

Be amused by the patterns. When you catch yourself labeling, smile. It’s kind of funny once you see how often it happens.

Stay flexible. The words themselves aren’t evil. Sometimes “is” works fine—”The sky is blue” isn’t limiting anyone. It’s the identity-based labeling that causes problems.

Two Traps to Avoid

Trap 1: Getting upset about the labels. If you find yourself angry at all the limiting language around you, you’ve fallen into a new trap—you’re now labeling the labels as bad. That creates the same problem you’re trying to escape.

Trap 2: Becoming rigid about the practice. If you turn this into another set of strict rules you must follow perfectly, you’ve missed the point. The goal is freedom and flexibility, not a new cage.

How to Use “Is” Without Creating Problems

The word “is” becomes problematic when it creates rigid either/or thinking. Notice the difference:

Creates limitation: “God is love.”

Why it’s limiting: This excludes other aspects and creates confusion when life seems unloving.

Better alternative: “God includes love” or “Love is one expression of the divine.”

Creates limitation: “I am okay.”

Why it’s limiting: Your mind knows you have struggles and imperfections, creating internal conflict.

Better alternative: “I accept all parts of myself, and I’m taking steps to make improvements” or “I’m doing my best with what I have.”

Creates limitation: “This is a sacred space.”

Why it’s limiting: It suggests other spaces aren’t sacred and creates anxiety about maintaining perfection.

Better alternative: “I invite sacred energy into this space” or “This space supports my spiritual practice.”

The Bottom Line

You are not a collection of labels. You’re not “good” or “bad,” “successful” or “unsuccessful,” “happy” or “sad.” You’re a constantly evolving person with countless qualities, capabilities, and possibilities.

When you free yourself from limiting labels—both the ones you put on yourself and the ones you put on others—something remarkable happens. You start seeing the full picture. You discover capabilities in yourself you didn’t know existed. You learn from others instead of just comparing yourself to them. You respond to situations with more nuance and wisdom.

This isn’t about achieving perfection or never using the word “is” again. It’s about awareness. It’s about noticing when language limits your thinking and having the tools to expand beyond those limits.

Start small. Pick one technique from this article and practice it this week. Notice what changes. You might be surprised at how much opens up when you stop trying to fit everything—including yourself—into neat little boxes labeled with the word “is.”

You contain infinite potential. Let yourself and others be that vast.

Joel Bruce Wallach